All Blacks Survive France 34-32 as Will Jordan Strikes Twice and Five Million Kiwis Age a Decade Each

Dave Rennie's first evening as All Blacks coach lasted approximately nine years. The scoreboard says New Zealand 34, France 32; the nation's cardiologists say considerably more. A France side missing NINE first-choice players — nine! they basically sent the understudies and a baguette — came within two points of ruining the Rennie era before the paint was dry, and every one of the 30,000 souls in Christchurch now shares a single, communal nervous twitch.

It started exactly as New Zealand feared: Damian Penaud strolling through a gap in the All Blacks defence wide enough to reverse a campervan through, untouched, in the opening minutes. Moments earlier, new golden-boy first-five Ruben Love — the man handed the No 10 jersey over Beauden Barrett, in case you'd forgotten the national argument — was sin-binned for a high tackle. First start, first card, first five million people saying 'I told you' in perfect unison. Talkback radio didn't light up, it achieved fusion.

But then, as he does, Will Jordan happened. The man scores tries the way the rest of us breathe — involuntarily and constantly — and he crossed twice, the second in the 70th minute to snatch the lead back for good. Cam Roigard and Peter Lakai grabbed the others, and the Hurricanes spine Rennie gambled his first selection on ultimately paid the bill, even if it paid it at 11:59pm with the account already in collections.

France, meanwhile, finished like a runaway train, hammering at the All Blacks line as the clock died while their bench screamed and Christchurch collectively forgot how oxygen works. Two points. A B-team, on the other side of the planet, in July, and they lost by TWO. Somewhere in Paris a man in a scarf exhaled a plume of smoke and said 'intéressant,' and that should terrify everybody, because the full-strength version re-emerges in November.

From the South African couch, this was cinema of the highest order: the All Blacks vulnerable, the French furious, and both of them softened up nicely before anyone has to deal with us. Rennie escapes week one with a win, a warning, and a fly-half debate that will follow him around like a seagull at a chip shop. Rugby! There's nothing better on this earth, and we include air-conditioning.